Learning from the Past

I've decided I much prefer looking ahead......

Last night, after a busy day and evening working, I decided that I would take a drive out and join the small group assembled at a local restaurant and bar for our 25th high school reunion. Out of the 64 students who graduated from our class, only nine were in attendance including me. In all honesty our class was never much of a motivated group, me included. My sights were not set high in high school. I think my main personal goal was to escape as unscathed as possible. That was accomplished by keeping quiet, minding my own business, and avoiding anything that might call negative attention to myself. Naturally, there was the "in" group and the "out" group and then of course the nameless rabble who fit in neither group. I am not sure if I was in the "out" group or in the mix with the nameless rabble. I was most definitely not in the "in" group and I was okay with that on several different levels. First of all I respected my parents too much to do the things some of my classmates were doing. I couldn't hurt them that way. Second, I didn't really like what I saw happening in the "in" group. They were pretty rotten to the "out" group and anyone who was struggling from being raised in a poverty stricken home (which is not rare here) and sometimes they were even pretty rotten amongst themselves. I actively wanted no part of it. Third, I somehow knew that I was not worthless, but very valuable, despite being part of the nameless rabble. I knew God had something to offer this world through me. I just had to wait for it. Fourth, I just couldn't bring myself to be so cruel and thoughtless to other people.  I think that those in the "in" group found me uninteresting and immature. Mostly, because I did not enjoy the "pleasures" they enjoyed. I never saw picking on Aaron or Charmaine and others an interesting past time. I never saw going out and getting wasted as something that would endear me to my classmates or somehow make me more "grown-up", I remember one day in particular in my senior year. It was toward the end of the year, close to graduation. I was relieved to be almost finished. I was in my afternoon art class and as usual I was keeping quiet and staying out of harms way. One of the more "mature" girls from my class announced to the whole art class that there was only one person in the room who was a virgin and that it was Megan. I remember my face getting so hot. I remember making sure that I didn't look at anyone else in the room. I did however look at the girl who said it. It was one of those "Really? I can't believe you just said that .", kind of looks. And really, I couldn't. Why? Who really cares anyway? Thankfully, our art teacher, who was battling cancer at the time and very sick put a stop to the conversation. Another more compassionate member of our class shot back a nasty retort on my behalf. I never understood the reason for that comment, other than to bait me and perhaps make me appear immature, and briefly I probably did. It wasn't until much later that I realized my true maturity during my high school years. My choices, were exactly that- my choices. They were not the product of peer pressure. They were not the product of me attempting to grow up faster than I should. I didn't waste my efforts trying to fit in. My ideas and understanding of my own personal value and the value of others was firmly rooted in who I was and was unchangeable. I am grateful for that and for what my parents instilled in me as I was growing up.
Last night as I sat looking around the table at some of the people I had spent my last 10 years of my public school education with,  my eyes were opened. No one around that table was any less nervous or insecure than I was, throughout our high school years. We all coped the best we could, navigating the rough waters of our teen years with the resources we each had at our disposal. For so many the desire to be accepted and loved was paramount to everything else, even the feelings of others. At that realization my heart broke a little for each of my classmates. Though I did not go around intentionally hurting anyone, neither did I realize where their actions were stemming from, nor did I have compassion on them. I was too busy preserving myself.

They say that hind sight is 20/20. What a blessing that would have been to see the hearts and hurts of my classmates so clearly 25 years ago. I cannot go back to those days, neither do I wish to. But perhaps the lessons I learned from looking back will make me a better more compassionate person in the future.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."
Romans 12:3