It all started about a month before I even had the faintest inkling of what God was up to.
God had Matthew our district church camp director send me a Facebook message. He wanted to know if I would be interested in teaching a seminar at camp in a little under 3 weeks. He had an open spot and wondered if I would be willing to fill it. The topic- Church Outside the Box. We do that at the church where I am on staff. It just happened this is a topic I am very passionate about. I've seen what God can do when we are ministering outside the church building (aka:box).
Truth- I didn't want to. I was tired. It had been a crazy, hairy, high stress year launching a new off site ministry and I had determined months earlier that this year I was going to camp and I was going to do nothing or at least the very minimum I could possibly do. I was going to rest and enjoy myself.
So, of course I said yes. To this day I have no idea why I said yes in that moment. Honestly, I was even kind of miffed with myself afterward that I said yes and wondered if it were too late to change my mind.
Fast Forward 20 Days
She walked into the seminar room that day. To be completely honest I do not remember seeing her come in. I do not even remember making eye contact with her at anytime during the seminar. Actually, I was a little too caught up in myself that day to really notice. You see, the night before I had gotten sick. I had been up most of the night with horrible stomach pain and vomiting, completely out of the blue. I was fine all day the day before. I went to bed. I woke up sick as a dog sometime around midnight. I finally was able to fall asleep around 4:30 and was back up at 7:00. I lay in bed that morning thinking to myself how much I wanted to cancel my seminar. I just wanted to stay in bed. My head hurt from lack of sleep, my stomach still hurt, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I had good reason to cancel, but somehow managed to convinced myself I shouldn't. Pastors don't cancel. They just work through it and that is what I was going to do. I was going to go, teach the seminar, and then promptly return to my bed. That was it. I only had to get through the seminar. I could do it through Christ who strengthens me. Right? Right!
The seminar went great. I had some wonderful co-speakers who shared the importance of making sure your church wasn't just having church in the church. I got to share my passion for reaching the lost by doing "Church Outside the Box", and the impact it can have on a community.
When the seminar came to a close. I was getting ready to go as fast as I could. I just wanted to be in my bed sleeping off the stupor of sickness from the night before..... and she walked up to the front of the room. I still can see her face. I didn't know her and I immediately assumed she was someone from one of the district churches coming to get more information because she too was passionate about community outreach and evangelism.
She wasn't.
She started telling me her story. She had recently gotten out of rehabilitation after nearly dying. She had struggled with alcohol almost her entire life. The doctors told her she had to stop or she would die. She had decided to turn to Christ. She knew he was the only one who could save her. As she continued her story, I felt the nudge. You know the one. I like to refer to it as The Holy Nudge.
Truth- Let's be real for a moment. I really wasn't in the mood for The Holy Nudge that day. I felt like garbage. I wanted to go back to bed and hide from the world.
*I am not proud to share the above. I am heartily ashamed.
Amazing Act of God - I actually obeyed the nudge after a brief conversation in my head trying to come up with reasons to delay the nudge or find a way be nudged at a different time, when I felt better.
Fact - God's nudges are not scheduled for your convenience. You probably know that. This is just a friendly reminder.
I asked her to come with me to a quieter corner of the classroom as everyone was still milling around and chatting. We found two seats in the corner and she continued to share her story. She told me that since she had come out of the nursing home where she was rehabilitating her strength after nearly dying, she had been reading her Bible and praying, but felt like something was missing. She knew she needed God but something wasn't right.
You know where this is going.
Side Bar - Not for one moment did I ever think I was going meet up with someone who needed to pray and ask Jesus into their life at a Christian college, district church camp full of pastors, pastor's spouses, pastor's kids, and people who faithfully attended church. I've been attending for 13 plus years. It just doesn't happen, unless maybe it's a child new to the faith in children's ministry.
*Never, never, never discount your location as a place where someone does not need Christ. I know that. Why was I so surprised?
So in the corner we held each other's hands and prayed together as she gave her life to Christ. The whole room was chattering all around us, but we were at peace with God, just the three of us. It was a beautiful moment. I will remember it always.
When we had finished we got up from our seats and I hugged her. We talked briefly about next steps, reading her Bible and declaring her faith by getting baptized. Before she walked out of the room she turned and looked at me and said. "I knew I was supposed to talk to you. I just knew God wanted me to talk to you."
I stood there in silent disbelief at what had just happened. What in the world? Thank you God! But what in the world? That certainly wasn't even remotely on my radar screen that morning. Sadly, I was the only thing on my radar screen that morning.
Oh yeah, I was sick. But you know what? Somehow that didn't matter anymore.
More importantly I was humbled.
As I left the building I ran into Matthew (camp director) and told him about what had just transpired. He proceeded to share with me that she had just called him that morning and asked if there was still room available at the camp. She wanted to attend. She only arrived that morning and ended up in my seminar. Why she would want to attend a seminar on "Church Outside the Box" is beyond me, but it was not beyond God.
I saw her a couple of times during the rest of the week of camp. I was able to get her in contact with a woman who attends our church who lived in the same town. She runs a youth center right around the corner from this woman's apartment. Perfect! It was so wonderful to see my new sister in Christ at the worship services, worshiping her God. She was so happy. She knew she had found what she was missing.
Closing day of camp our District Superintendent came up to me. He knew I was going to be driving through a certain town on my way home and wanted to know if I would give a certain woman and her daughter a ride home. As he was talking to me I put two and two together and thought to myself, "I didn't know she didn't have a car. How did she even get to camp?" I told him, "I know her." Once again our paths were aligned. I gave them a ride home. We had wonderful conversation. I enjoyed our time together. I gave her my cell phone number and told her to call if she needed anything. We made arrangements for her and her daughter to get a ride to church every Sunday.
In the following weeks my friend would faithfully attend church on Sunday and faithfully called me every Friday evening around 5:00 and we would chat for an hour or so. I think Friday at 5:00 was a rough time and day for her. She was still battling her addiction here and there and she needed to talk. During those conversations I came to discover she was a very intelligent, loving, thoughtful woman. She would tell me about how she would listen to the Christian radio station and sing along with the songs. She would tell me how she kept messing up and having to start all over again in her addiction battle. She wanted to find a way to start an alcohol recovery program where she was. There wasn't a good one in her town and she needed a good one. We found some connections to start one and a possible ride to one in a neighboring town. In the mean time she would go walking around town and tell everyone about her new found relationship with Christ. She wanted the world to know.
We met after church one Sunday to discuss baptism and make sure she was ready to take that step. She was so excited. She decided to do the courageous thing and get baptized in our local lake during our second annual lake baptism service. This was courageous, after all she had been through in recent months. I even tried to dissuade her into using the indoor baptismal at the church, but she insisted she wanted to do it "outdoors in front of God". She could not wait to make her public proclamation.
The day arrived. I made arrangements to pick her up at her home and bring her and her daughter to the lake. She was one of nine people getting baptized that day. She shared with the crowd gathered at the lakeside her love of Christ and her excitement. She was like a child before her Daddy. It truly was a beautiful day.
Diane
Little did we know that day that our time with her was limited. A couple of weeks later in the early morning hours I had a dream. In the dream I was running down a road and suddenly Diane was running behind me. I remember thinking in my dream "How did she get here? I don't think she can run." This was an odd dream for me. Generally, I either dream dreams of people I am very close to or I just don't remember my dreams. I can still see this dream in my mind. Shortly after I woke up I got a message from my friend who lives in her town telling me that Diane was in the hospital. I prayed, got dressed, and went to the hospital to see her. She was in the ICU, on a ventilator. Her liver and her kidneys were giving out. She proceeded to worsen over the next 14 days. I would go in and sit with her and talk to her when no one was there. I hoped and prayed God would allow her to hear me. I prayed God would give her one more chance to live and be healed and continue to share his love with others.
Finally, after many days and many prayers and petitions made on her behalf it was determined by her family, that she would be placed on comfort care. Everything that could be done for her had been done. All life support was removed. We circled her bed, joined hands and prayed as she made her way into her Saviors arms.
It is in these moments that God seems to bring things into perfect clarity...what's most important in life and what isn't. He makes clear our foolish upsets, our misplaced attentions, our frivolous concerns, our selfishness. It made me wonder as I watched her family say "good bye for now" if God would be pleased with how I have loved the people he has placed in my life. I'm not just talking about my family members, but everyone he places in my life, the people I like and the people I sometimes do not like.
Did I love Diane enough?
That night when Diane's long last day on this earth was finally over I climbed into my bed and the realization of how different this day could have been for Diane hit me full force. The tears flowed hard and fast. I almost couldn't breathe as I prayed.
"Dear God, This could have ended so differently today. You know how close it came to ending differently. God you know I am not always good at hearing or heeding your nudges. Sometimes I am so selfish. You know how selfishly I wanted to spend my week of camp. I didn't want to teach that seminar. God you know I wanted to cancel the seminar when I was sick. You know I wanted to leave as soon as it was over and tend only to my selfish needs. I certainly wasn't on my death bed for sure. I just didn't feel good. God you know the struggle I had in my heart and yes only through some miracle of yours I heard you and did what you wanted, but God it almost didn't happen! You know that! I know that! Oh God! How many of these moments have I missed? How many Diane's did you need me to minister to and I didn't see or I didn't hear because I was caught up in myself, my petty concerns, my plans? God I narrowly did what you wanted me to do this time, but how many times have I missed what you wanted me to do? Oh God, will I ever get it right without the internal struggle first? God help me hear you and respond in obedience without hesitation. I don't ever want it to be a close call like this again!"
Now, I fully realize that if God wanted Diane in heaven there is nothing that would have stopped him and nothing did, not even flawed me. He is after all, all powerful. But the "what if" of this situation truly terrified me as I briefly imagined the alternative that could have been Diane's. It reminded me what is truly important. It re-energized me to be more diligent as I go about the dailiness of my life and to really look at people and really hear them no matter my plans, no matter my location.
Please know I am not sharing this story to glean any outpouring of support or sympathy for me. Please do not respond with such. I do not deserve any such thing. Yes, I did the right thing, but I know that it truly was only through the sovereign grace of God that Diane's salvation was secured, not me. Not me. The truth is pastor or not we all struggle with this very thing. Do we hear the still small voice at all? Do we hear the still small voice and heed it? Do we feel The Holy Nudge and obey it? Every time?
Let's face the facts. God may have used me to minister to Diane, however reluctant I was that day, but honestly God used Diane to minister to me.
I'm not sure who I need to attribute this original quote to but it has been something I have been pondering the last few days.
"The Christian life is lived in forward, but understood in reverse."
Looking back I clearly see what God was up to, and so do you.
I will not be the same.
Thank you God. Amen
